I was given a beautiful new book with Native American proverbs. This Navajo proverb reminds me of the central them of my book, The Rewired Brain. We become what we think the most and if we want to change our lives, we must change our thoughts.
This blog post contains excerpts from Chapter 10 of my book, The ReWired Brain
Human sexual desire is the most complex form of sexual motivation among all living things. It’s a combination of genetic programming and variables of life experience, producing the utmost sophisticated nuance and variety of sex on the face of the planet. David Schnarch, The Passionate Marriage
In the 2012 movie Hope Springs, Kay (Meryl Streep) and Arnold (Tommy Lee Jones) have been married for thirty-one years. They live a safe, monotonous, routine-driven life. Each morning Kay dutifully cooks Arnold the same breakfast he’s had for the past three decades, one sunny-side-up egg and a piece of bacon, while he reads the paper. After chowing down his grub, Arnold leaves for work, and Kay does the same. Day after day this marriage cycles around work, sleep, meals, and watching the Golf Channel. Spontaneity, intimacy, passion, and sex do not exist in their world. Although Arnold loves his wife, he is clearly oblivious of this fact, hypnotized and quite content with his quiet though bland life. In contrast, Kay desperately desires change. Deep within, she is a passionate woman who longs for a marriage bursting with intimacy and steamy sex.
In one of the first scenes, Kay is disappointed when Arnold leaves for work without acknowledging their thirty-first wedding anniversary. She expresses this sentiment to a co-worker later that morning, asking if change in a marriage absent of intimacy, affection, and passion is even possible.
Her co-worker doesn’t offer much hope. “Change your marriage? What do you mean? Like you mostly eat in on Fridays then you eat out, or you’re at each other’s throats then suddenly you’re Cinderella and Prince Charming. . . . No, you marry who you marry, you are who you are. . . . Why would that change? . . . For that to happen it would have to be so bad that somebody was willing to risk everything just to shake things up, but then it might not come down your way. . . . Nah, marriages don’t change.”
Determined to create a better marriage, Kay ignores these cynical words. She dips into her savings account and books a week of intensive marriage counseling with a renowned therapist, Dr. Bernie Feld (Steve Carell), in the sleepy New England town of Great Hope Springs.
After a very difficult and often hostile first session, Dr. Feld says to the couple, “You two have come here to try to restore intimacy to your marriage . . . to find ways to communicate your needs to one another . . . to cultivate intimacy and to develop the tools to sustain that intimacy going forward.
“The first step in rebuilding a marriage is tearing away some of the scar tissue that has built up over the years. . . . It can be very painful, but it’s worth it. I like to think of . . . the metaphor of when you have a deviated septum, and you can’t breathe . . . you have to break the nose in order to fix it.”
I love this movie and believe every couple, especially ones that are experiencing difficulty, should watch it. It is inspiring to watch Kay, who for years has played the role of a shrinking violet, reach the point where she is no longer willing to live the rest of her life sacrificing intimacy and sex for the sake of a comfortable and safe marriage.
What Is Possible with Intimacy and Sex
I believe sex and intimacy within a committed and covenant relationship are two of God’s greatest gifts to humanity. We all know what sex is, the physical offering of ourselves to one another. Intimacy is a bit more complex. It is being emotionally close to your partner, being able to completely share your inner world, who you really are, with that person. It is about being vulnerable and connecting honestly and in-depth in all areas of your life. Intimacy can include sensual expression; sharing thoughts, feelings, and ideas; and being aware of who you and your partner are as individuals. It is possible to have sex without intimacy, but a central premise of this chapter is that sex without intimacy is problematic. When two people are united in a committed relationship, they create a deeply passionate and transformational encounter that has the capacity to bring about closeness and maturation in a relationship like no other human experience.
In my new book, The Rewired Brain, I talk about how we humans essentially have two minds in one brain. The first is our more primitive mind and it resides in the mid to lower portion of our brains. This part of our brain is responsible for fast, automatic, and effortless thinking and it is called System 1 thinking. What we see, hear, smell, taste, and touch become electrical signals that travel through the primitive portions of our brains and trigger emotions, impressions, and intuitions. On the positive side, System 1 thinking is responsible for spontaneity as well as key aspects of social popularity and creativity. Our second mind (called System 2) emerges from our much more sophisticate front brain called the neocortex. System 2 is responsible for conscious thought and reasoning and is also responsible for imagination, fantasy, and diversity in experiences.
You may at this point be asking what does all this System 1 and System 2 stuff have to do with intimacy and sex? Well at its best, sex and intimacy blend the best parts of System 1 and System 2 emotions and behaviors in a mystical manner that powerfully transitions our intimate relationships from mundane to extraordinary. When System 1 instincts such as sexual desire, spontaneity, creativity, and longing for connection dynamically merge with System 2 qualities such as imagination, fantasy, and diversity, two mature individuals have the powerful capacity to transcend space and time.
This type of intimacy with another person is what makes us truly unique and human.
In profoundly spiritual acts of bonding, your commitment to your partner is conveyed through actions, not just words. You enter a capsule of sexual space, and time stops. Here you and your partner can experience deep connection and transformational joy and love.
You come alive by every heightened sensation, not just in your body but also in your mind. The climax of orgasm is almost secondary because the connection is so profound. And with increasing intimacy over time, this communion grows stronger, even outside the bedroom, as you begin to relate to each other in new ways.
You experience exciting, new adventures while laughing and playing together like carefree children running through a beautiful meadow.
Some of you may be frustrated at this point, rolling your eyes and saying, “Okay, okay, Dr. Ski. This world of mountaintop or romantic-novel-type sex may be the goal, but my marriage looks nothing like what you are describing. I’m stuck on the ground floor with Kay and Arnold.”
Next time in part 2, I will talk about getting unstuck and especially for those of us over 50 years of age….cliff hanger!
It is with incredible sadness that I sense that our great country is rapidly moving in a very angry, fear-driven and dangerous direction. In my new book, The Rewired Brain, I talk about how that during deeply dark periods of history, we see the dangers of our animal-like survival instincts. These instincts rapidly react when we encounter people that are different (i.e. gender, race, religion, or nationality) than us. Then is especially dangerous if we are edged on by charismatic individuals/leaders from our same tribe.
Then, there is a powerful tendency to move toward fear or hate that ultimately leads to violence, racism, bigotry, misogyny, and exclusion.
In contrast to our animal instincts, I also believe that we have better angels within us. For me as a Christian, this belief is heavily inspired by the teachings of Jesus Christ. Consequently at times like these, it is critical to look to Jesus’s words in the gospels such as his Sermon on the Mount starting with the beatitudes in the 5th chapter of Matthew. Read Jesus’s words in Matt 5:43-48 where he implores us to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. Read the parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37) when Jesus was asked, ‘Who is your neighbor?’ Notice the neighbor, hero and Good Samaritan of the parable is not someone from the religious establishment, not a representative of the dominate political party or race, but an extraordinarily beautiful individual from a religiously despised minority. Read Jesus’s words in Matt 25:31-46 and notice how He says we will ultimately be judged …‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
Jesus’s teachings turn everything and especially our animal instincts to be first and dominate upside down.
I have spent the past 15 years working with refugees from all over the world. I traveled to Darfur, Sudan when millions of people were being killed in an horrific genocide. I currently tutor Syrian refugee children every week. In all of these circumstances, these poor, unfortunate (typically women and children) beautiful people have done nothing to deserve their fate. These Syrians families have lost everything, their homes in places like Aleppo and Homs, most of their family members killed to genocide, all of their possessions, gone. They lived in tin cans and tents in refugee camps in Jordan for 4-5 years and were vetted for over two long years to have the right to walk on our soil. The rumor that there is a lack of vetting is simply not true. These poor people are simply the victims of horrific unthinkable circumstances…these are Jesus’s special ones…our neighbors.
And each time I’m with them, I think, ‘there but for the grace of God go I and my family.’
There are those who rationalize our country’s direction and executive orders by saying all of this is to keep us safe. But I am also a scientist and the data says otherwise. There has never been a case where a Syrian refugee killed an American, and yet these people are banned from our country indefinitely.
You have a 6000 times better chance of being killed by your friends and neighbors than an Islamic immigrant. If you want to ban someone, ban your friends and neighbors.
You have a 10 times greater chance of being killed by an armed toddler or 15 times more likely of being killed by lightning than an Islamic immigrant.
I would end by reminding us that aside from Native Americans, we are all immigrants to this great country. Hate or ban who you want, but do it knowing that if you are an American or a Christian, you are doing it against the key principles that this country stands for and the words and actions of Jesus Christ when he walked this earth.
As we approach this exciting New Year, my New Year’s resolution is to end the year younger than I started it. I know that sounds crazy and as a scientist who studies the impact of the aging process on health, I know that with the passing of time, we all age. I also believe that every decade we reach is a milestone to be celebrated. So I’m going to tell you a secret. I am 59 years old! This is the only time I will ever mention it to you again because I don’t feel or act 59. I know 60 is just right around the corner for me, but I’m actually excited about entering this new decade of life because I know that I am going to “kick butt” in this decade. In the next three weeks, I am going to write three blogs (starting with this one) about what I believe to be the keys to staying forever young.
In my new book, The Rewired Brain, I emphasize the incredibly power of our thoughts—and that includes our thoughts about aging. So how “old” we are depends probably more than anything else on how old we think we are. I like to say, “our thoughts become our actions, our actions become habits, and ultimately our habits become our destiny.” In the picture associated with this blog post, I am climbing the 42 foot mast of our sailboat to untangle a sail. I have also attached a link to some dives I did last year in a video associated with the launch of my book https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emkJphKFNqc&t=89s . Now, there is no way in this world that I could do these activities at my age unless I truly believed (thought) that I could do them. It is the power of my thoughts, not my athletic ability, not anything else that allows me to do these things.
So if you want to be and stay sexy and youthful, you must push yourself to regularly act in vigorous, energetic ways that support this lifestyle. If you start down that path, over time you will begin to find a fountain of youth. If you tell yourself, “I’m getting old and I must act like an old person,” I promise you that rapid aging will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is clear that for the vast majority of us, we become the type of people our thoughts tell us to be.
But have you ever noticed that at a certain point, a lot of people stop celebrating and start lamenting?
Well, I’m here to fight the notion that turning 50, 60, 70, 80, or even 90 is all gloom and doom. I truly believe that the journey of aging can be amazing. It can be sexy. It can be fun, joyful, and fantastic in so many ways! Really, it’s all about how we approach the idea of aging.
Fortunately, with life expectancies increasing and people living longer than ever, stereotypes about aging have changed for the better. According to a poll conducted by AARP in 2014, 69 percent of people in their 60s said that problems with their physical health did not hold them back from doing what they wanted, and 59 percent thought that growing older has been easier than they anticipated. Fifty-four percent of 60+-year-olds also responded that they had more energy than they expected they would at their age.
Additionally, when asked what age they considered to be the beginning of “old age,” people in their 50s said age 68, and people in their 60s responded 73. So it appears that as we get older, our perception of what we think is “old” really changes! (In fact, one 90-year-old woman said that a woman isn’t old until she hits 95!)1
These thoughts and stereotypes about aging affect much more than our attitudes. They affect how we physically age, too. One study found that people who held negative thoughts about aging actually had a higher risk of Alzheimer’s disease. Compared to more positive-minded people, participants in their 40s who held negative stereotypes ended up having significantly greater loss of hippocampus volume and larger accumulations of plaques and tangles (all hallmark signs of Alzheimer’s) 25 years later.2
The same researcher who headed up this study concluded in another study that older adults who had positive age-related thoughts lived seven and a half years longer than their negative-minded peers.3
So it’s clear we need to approach aging in a positive light if we want to live life to the fullest. We have no control over the passage of time, but we have full control over how we think about aging. Here are some ways to make the most of these years:
- Find new purpose. Many people choose to retire in their 60s. If you enjoy working and it gives your life meaning, don’t retire! More and more businesses these days appreciate the unique experience and value that older workers bring to the table. So if you feel fulfilled going to work every day, there is no need to stop. If you do decide to retire, you may wonder what to do with all your extra time. Find a new purpose, perhaps something you’ve always wanted to do and new ways to have fun.
- Take risks. In her book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, Bonnie Ware beautifully documents the primary regrets and disappointments of hospice patients. When asked what they would have done differently, almost all said they wished they had had the courage to live true to themselves, not what others expected of them. Well my friends, now is the time! Were you too embarrassed or afraid in your 30s, 40s, or 50s to take belly dancing classes, or try your hand at stand-up comedy, or write a book, or go skydiving, or hundreds of other crazy activities? This is the period of life when it’s time to take chances.
- Laugh a lot. There are countless health benefits to laughter, including increased immunity, better blood pressure, and lower depression. Not only that, smiling and laughing makes you look and feel
- Stay active. Jog, hike, swim, dance, do yoga, or take up karate or even Crossfit! The science is clear—if you stop moving, you will get old and die. Consequently, being physically active is a key to maintaining your health as you get older. I am going to devote my entire next article to this topic.
- Levy BR, et al. Psychol Aging. 2016 Feb;31(1):82-8.
- Levy BR, et al. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 2002 Aug;83(2):261-70.
Understand God’s Role in Your Tragedy
Reframing loss, illness, or grief is a journey from exile. Consciously and unconsciously, we feel tremendous anger, despair, depression, and resentment. Waves of emotion overwhelm our minds. Reframing is not about minimizing, fighting, or ignoring what we have been through; it is about returning from a destination where we feel displaced, disconnected, or depressed. Although we cannot change what happened, we can change our thoughts, our perspective, and our approach to move forward in life.
In my new book The Rewired Brain, I point out that one of the most important things we can do when tragedy strikes is to come to peace with our beliefs about the cause(s) of tragedy
I am always blown away by the foolish things people say to someone going through heartbreak or tragedy. A few years ago, I attended a funeral service of a teenager who had committed suicide. As I stood in line waiting to speak with his parents, I struggled with what to say. Words did not come easily. I knew spouting a monologue or offering advice would be pointless. So I just told this couple who had endured an unthinkable loss how sorry I was and then hugged them tight. What else was there to say?
Unfortunately, I have heard perhaps well-intentioned but misguided people respond in these circumstances with phrases and clichés that only enhance the sufferer’s pain or spotlight a disturbing theological perspective.
If your husband has left you for another woman, if your child has a fatal disease and is in the hospital for the tenth time, if you are dealing with a debilitating physical or mental illness, the last thing you want or need to hear is:
“This is God’s will, and you have to accept it.”
“God never gives us more than we can handle.”
“God has selected you for this burden because he knows how strong you are.”
Perhaps one of the most horrible statements I have heard was when someone approached a couple who had just suffered the loss of their only child. This person said, “I’m sorry you’re sad. But God obviously needed your baby as an angel in heaven more than you did.” I can say with confidence that was not, nor ever will be, the case.
In his book The Will of God, English theologian Leslie Weatherhead tells the profound story of being in India with a friend who had lost his young son in a cholera epidemic. Weatherhead walked beside his friend, who paced up and down the veranda of his home only a few feet away from his sleeping daughter, his only surviving child. The bereaved man turned to the great theologian and said, “Well, padre, it is the will of God. That’s all there is to it. It is the will of God.”
Weatherhead gently disagreed. He loved his friend and knew him well enough to reply with the following words: “Suppose someone crept up the steps of the veranda tonight, while you all slept, and deliberately put a wad of cotton soaked in cholera germ culture over the little girl’s mouth as she lay in that cot on the veranda, what would you think about that?” The father was horrified and replied by saying he would kill the intruder and then asked why he would even suggest such a cruel thing.
Weatherhead quietly explained to his friend that that was what he had done when he had characterized his son’s death as God’s will.
“Call your little boy’s death the result of mass ignorance, call it mass folly, call it mass sin, if you like, call it bad drains or communal carelessness, but don’t call it the will of God.”
What you attribute your tragedy to will make a huge difference in your capacity to reframe it. Whatever you have been through or are going through as you read these words, do not blame God for your suffering.
I love the words of Rabbi Harold Kushner in hid classic book When Bad Things Happen to Good People, “ The God I believe in doesn’t send us the problem; He gives us the strength to cope with the problem.”
I Just Don’t Want to Be Lonely
On an August morning almost a year ago, I was struggling with a particular chapter in the new book (The Rewired Brain) that I was writing entitled, “What it Means to be Human.” Toothbrush in hand, I stared at my reflection in the mirror as I contemplated all of the different aspects of the human condition. Was it possible to sum up the essence of human existence in one chapter, in light of over four thousand years of literature on this topic?
I am so fortunate to have grown up in a small tobacco farming community at the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains in North Carolina. I can still picture my dad walking into the house after a long day’s work out in the tobacco fields. Even though Detroit, the home of Motown, was seemingly a million miles away in distance and culture, my daddy introduced me to rhythm and blues heaven right there in rural North Carolina. On any given day, the smooth voices of the Temptations, Otis Redding, Aretha Franklin, Marvin Gaye, and the Supremes would croon from the record player until the sky was pitch-black and crickets chirped. I still love Motown so as I get ready to head to the Med Center each day, I blast the classic soul and R & B Pandora stations.
On that August morning, I had turned on my iPad and tuned it to Pandora’s “Old Soul Radio” station. A desperate refrain from a 1974 song covered by Main Ingredient repeated itself incessantly through the speakers: “I just don’t want to be lonely.” As I brushed my teeth, my thoughts centered on the complexity of our extraordinary human minds and struggles. In the midst of these thoughts, the previously dulled melodies of this first song of the day sounded louder than my introspection. Suddenly, the significance of the song and particularly the refrain came into focus: What it means to be human is to struggle with anguishing isolation, a desperate need to be in relationships, and an often-tumultuous journey to find a solution to our loneliness.
As a scientist, I aspire to understand thing at their most fundamental level. The famed inventor Elon Musk has said “You boil things down to the most fundamental truths and then reason up from there.” Aristotle defined it as “the first basis from which a thing is known.” No matter how intellectually sophisticated we are, I believe a basis of our human condition is simply and elegantly stated in the Main Ingredient 1974 song, “I just don’t want to be lonely.” In fact, most of us spend our lives trying to overcome the prison of our loneliness through connections and relationships with others, in both healthy and unhealthy ways. We search for meaning. We seek to belong. We desire relationship. We long to cure our loneliness. We question the mysteries of the spiritual life. We come face-to-face with the looming shadow of death. All these aspects of our humanity drive us to find answers that will alleviate our pain.
Enter Africa. A decade ago during a difficult period of my life, I took my first trip to Africa. Partnering with the charitable organization Samaritan’s Feet, our team traveled to eight locations around a community in South Africa over the course of 10 days, helping orphans affected by HIV/AIDS. At the time, this disease had wiped out a generation of young parents. There were twenty thousand orphaned children in that community alone. Our group brought food, water, shoes, and deworming medications for nearly two thousand orphans during our 10-day visit.
Before leaving the U. S., I am almost embarrassed to admit that I had not given the trip much thought. I travel often, and while I had never been to Africa, I thought the visit to this great continent was, at a minimum, an item to check off my bucket list. My lack of introspection prior to the trip probably had to do with the intense pressure and anxiety I was under both at home and at work. I felt depressed, empty and very lonely.
After 30 long hours of travel by air and van, we found ourselves in South Africa at a small Bible college surrounded by a 15-foot-high barbed wire fence in the middle of a large shantytown called Masoyi. Following a few hours of sleep, we were welcomed with a hearty breakfast and a devotional by Manny Ohome, a large African man with a big smile. Manny was originally from Nigeria, had moved to the U. S. to play college basketball, became a very successful businessman, and now was president of Samaritan’s Feet.
Though I can’t remember much about the devotional, I will never forget what this man said to me right after it. We had not yet been formally introduced, but for reasons I did not understand at the time, he picked me out of the crowd and walked straight toward me. Looking me square in the eyes, Manny said, “God told me that you are about to be messed up!”
Taken aback, I stared back at him as if he were crazy. I didn’t know what he meant by his bold statement. Who did he think he was? Obviously, he did not know who I was, an NIH-funded scientist with well over a hundred manuscripts and faculty positions at prestigious institutions such as Johns Hopkins University and Wake Forest University.
Two days later, Manny’s prophetic words became reality. Our group traveled to a banana plantation. I cannot explain what happened the moment I stepped off the bus and my feet touched down on the red African soil, but I immediately sensed my life would forever be changed at this time and by this place. As I turned my head to scan the landscape, my eyes first fell on the hundreds of children confined behind a tangled and rusty barbed wire fence. The older ones stuck their heads through the sharp coils to get a better look at the “rich” Americans walking toward them. I noticed off to the side a group of about fifty infants, likely two years old and under, sitting in muddy sewer water. Some were playing, splashing about in the mosquito-infested puddle. But most were crying, wailing at the top of their lungs.
I was inexplicably drawn to one particular child who appeared to be about two-years-old. His eyes were deep yellow from liver failure as a result of AIDS and tuberculosis. His face badly distorted from a birth defect and the ravages of malnutrition. He was crying, but only halfheartedly, as he had cried for so long without anyone paying attention. I asked the “granny,” an older woman in charge of the smaller kids, the name of the child. She shook her head and shrugged. She didn’t know. That is when I realized none of the hundreds of children behind the barbed wire had a name. That took my breath away.
Staring at the tearful baby, my instinct was to scoop him up in my arms. But as we locked eyes, I thought with fear, “I can’t hold him. There’s too much of a risk.” As a biomedical researcher, I knew the risk of contracting a disease from fluids seeping from every part of his body.
In that moment, for the first time in my life, I felt a powerful yearning. Let me say that I had always been the one in the crowd who scoffed with scientific arrogance whenever I heard someone say they heard the voice of God. But standing there, staring at a malnourished, crying baby in the sweltering African heat, I sensed God asking me two questions, “Who are you?” And then, “Whose are you?” I believe those two questions changed my life forever.
I believe the situation and the questions were a reminder to me of my humanity. I was connected to this child through the family of the human race in ways I could not possibly comprehend. In showing love to this child and others roaming around the banana plantation, I was showing love to the entire human race, and that included myself. The question “Whose are you?” prompted me to step up to a life of action that moved well beyond mere words, theology, and religious tradition. I had a responsibility to provide unconditional love to the universe and somehow I realized that if I did, the universe and God, its maker would give me love back and the keys to my prison of loneliness.
I picked up the child from the muddy water, wiped his face with my shirt, and pressed his face against mine. Holding his emaciated body tight, I softly sang the same lullaby my mom had sung to me. “Bye oh baby, oh bye, oh baby.” Almost immediately, the little guy stopped crying and looked right into my eyes. And for the first time, I saw the face of God. My perspective that everything was meaningless dissipated, and in its place, a new one of purpose stepped in. My dear African brother Manny was right. God had “messed me up”—messed up in the most meaningful way possible that changed the trajectory of my life.